Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
