I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
