Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
