Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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