i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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