At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
