Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
