You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
