ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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