you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
