Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
