I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
