how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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