Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
