I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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