I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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