did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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