Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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