if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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