Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
