Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
