I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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