Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.