note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
