with your own penis?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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