Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
