Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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