I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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