Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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