Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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