at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
