we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
