Quick, to the slutcave!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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