I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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