I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
