You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
