woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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