How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
