I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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