I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
