Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
