The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
