I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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