She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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