got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
