yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros