I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."