We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
