I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
