Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
