Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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