Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
