it was like eating out sand paper
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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