My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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