i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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