I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
