Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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